The story of how complaints, comparison and unrealistic expectations cost one woman everything.
Many women quietly Google " why is my husband not romantic" or my husband is stingy with money " I know because, I was one of them. For 4 years I measured my husband, Kevin against my ex-boyfriend John. Thought I was being honest, I thought I wanted more, I didn't realize I was slowly destroying my marriage until the day Kevin my husband left.by then I have lost everything.
If you are comparing your husband to your ex or boyfriend, read this.
Kevin was a good man. He paid the rent in Abuja before it expires.
He did school runs. He fixed the generator at 1 am. But he didn't buy flowers. He forgot valentine's day twice . He said, have you eaten? Instead of " you are beautiful, .
So I complained everyday.
John used to take me out, just to make me happy.John never let a weekend pass without a date. Why can't you be like John?
In my head, John was the standard, John was the standard. John was romance , what I refused to see : John was a boyfriend, Kevin was a husband.
The job description are not the same.
A boyfriend's job is to impress you. He has one goal to keep you interested. So he spends his last 5k on chocolate and wine or shawarma. He text poetry at midnight because he sleeps till noon.
A husband John is to build with you. He is thinking about house rent, school fees, black tax, and that land he want to buy.
His romance looks like I renewed the house rent and I sent money to your mom. It's not Facebook-worthy but legacy worthy.
I didn't understand this, I thought Kevin was stingy because he budgeted. I was measuring a CEO with an intern's rubric .
Comparison is subtle.it starts with I wish you would and end with " you are not man enough. Each time I mentioned John, I chipped away at Kevin's confidence. Men don't say it , but respect is oxygen to them. I was suffocating my husband.
He stopped trying to surprise me . Why bother when the answer would be " John did it better". He stopped talking about his day because my response was always a complaint.
The man who used to pray for me before work started leaving the house in silence.
Phycologist call this negative sentiment override . Once it sets in, you literally can't see your partner's good.
A paid bill looks like he is controlling. A quiet evening looks like he is boring, that was me.
It was a Saturday. NEPA took light and the heat was brutal.
I started. If I was with John, we would be at transcort hillton right now.
Kevin didn't argue, he went to the bedroom, packed a small Ghana-must-go bag and said a few words I still hear in my sleep: I cannot compete with a man I am not.
He left the keys on the table. He didn't slam the door. He just left.
The first month felt like freedom. No one to nag, I could post and go out without explaining.
John came back around with wine, compliment and also with his rugged styles on bed
Two months later, my phone screen cracked. John said " babe, things are tight. I remembered Kevin would have replaced it that same day, no without stress..
Three months later, landlord called, the school fees letter came for my little sister who Kevin had been helping. John started unreachable whenever real problem showed up.
That is when it clicked. I didn't lose a stingy , unromantic man.
I lost my covery. I lost the man who chose responsibility when feeling were low. I traded a fireplace for firework, and now I was cold.
Now read this before you start comparing your husband with your ex.
John could be romantic because he was not accountable for my life. Kevin couldn't buy roses every week because he was buying our future.
A stingy man hides money to control you. A budgeting man says no to dinner so he can say yes to land.
Kevin was the second . I was too blind to see it.
Men respond to appreciation. The more I complained, the less he give. My who thanks her husband for paying NEPA bill gets random weekend getaways. I was doing it backwards.
Later, after 6 months, I swallowed my pride and I called Kevin. He was kind, but detached. I am at peace now Hanna, I hope you find what you are looking for. He moved on.
Regret doesn't knock. It sits in the quiet when you realize - have you eaten? Was love in another language.
I broke down for weeks because my don't know we are separated.
Some woman get second chance. I didn't, and that's why am telling my story .
If you are always telling your husband to be like someone else, pause, ask yourself, am I comparing his role or his heart? , is he really stingy or is he securing your tomorrow? Is he unromantic or is he just romantic in a language you haven't learned.
Boyfriend rent your time. Husband invent your life.
Don't lose a good man because you wanted temporary feeling to be permanent.
The grass isn't greener on the other side.
It greener where you water it and I learned that too late.
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