Stop explaining yourself to people committed to misunderstanding you

You sent paragraph. 

Then the voice note . 

Then the 2 am essay.

And they still replied " that's not what I meant".

Here is the truth: you are not bad at explaining. They are committed to misunderstanding you , some people don't want clarity.

They want control, and the moment you realize that,  you get your life back.

1  the trap of over+ explaining 

Over explaining is anxiety in disguise. It sounds like: "just so we are clear, didn't mean " or " I am sorry you feel that way, but if you look at what I actually said"

You think if you find the perfect words, they will finally get it. They won't. Because understanding isn't the goal. Keeping you on defense is.

In Netherlands, there is blunt honesty for this " ze willen je nict begripen .

They don't want to understand you.

In US, therapist call it  " reactive abuse or DARVO - Deny, Attack, Reverse , Victim and Offender. Same game, different name.

2  signs they are committed to misunderstanding you.

1 they twist your words, you say " I am tired, they hear  you don't care about me"

2 they move the goalpost, you explain A, now they are mad about B.

3 they use your honesty against you, you open up, they weaponize it 3 fight later.

4 you feel crazy after talking, that's not miscommunication, that's manipulation.

5 your body knows ,stomach drops before you hit send. That's your nervous system, not your guilt.

3 why you keep explaining anyway.

1 you were taught peace equals agreement. If someone upset you, it must be your job to fix it. It's not.

2 you fear being seen as the bad guy, so you write dissertation to prove you are good. Good people don't need to prove it.

3 you think silence equals guilt, but silence is a boundary  " No" is a complete sentence.

4 you are addicted to closure, real closure is accepting some people will die misunderstanding you, and that's their problem.

4 what happens when you stop explaining.

First, it feels like pain, then, it feel like peace. Try this instead.

1 say it clearly - I am not available for that.end of sentence.

2 don't defend, describe " I said no vs I said no because I am tired and I had a long day and stop at no.

3 let them be wrong about you, their opinions of you is none of your business. Repeat that.

4 use the "ok" rule, then walk away, you don't attend every argument you are invited to.

5 grieve the fantasy, you wanted them to get you. They won't. Mourn that version of them and move on.

5 the people who get you won't make you beg to be understood.

Real friends, partner, family,- they ask " what did you mean by that " not "why are you attacking me"

You won't need to slide presentation to feel safe. 

You won't rehearse text in the shower.

With the right people, I am not ok is enough. With wrong people, a TED talk isn't enough.

You are not mean for having boundaries, you are not cold for going silent. You are done.

Stop setting yourself on fire to keep people warm who would watch you burn and ask why the rooms is smoky.

Some people will misunderstand you on purpose. Let them - your  peace is not up for dates